I had my first cup of coffee at age 24. that was late last year. My girlfriend had her first cup of coffee when she was seventeen. that was also late last year.
No seriously, she's legal, and has a longstanding coffee love affair. In an attempt to become all she needs, I have been trying to learn how to order coffee for her.
Lst night was one of my first attempts, and here's what happened:
Starbucks. The most intimidating place to order coffee, even for people who know what theyre talking about. The have a lot of shit there and I dont know what's what. Last time I ordered coffee for her, I just said, "I need a cup of coffee." WRONG.
So we go to Starbucks, and I'm feeling reasonably confident since she's standing right behind me. I run my line by her, "tall americano, with a half inch of soy milk." I get the thumbs up. I approach the couner. The woman behind the counter doesn't know I have no idea what I'm talking about, so I try to assume a confident facade. "Hello, I need a tall Americano with a half inch of soy milk please."
that was easy.
"Hot or cold?"
Holy shit. I don't know. I can't see Rebecca, she's behind me. I can't turn around for fear of blowing the whole operation. I remember the last time I tried to order coffee for her. They asked me if I wanted the soy milk cold or hot, and i sad hot. That mutated the entire beverage into some sort of foamy thing that was sipped out of pity. Not tonight, not here.
Not so fast. hot or cold what? They sell iced coffe don't they? Do americanos come iced? I don't know!!! All this happens in a split second, and in an attempt to be comprehensive and avoid any further opportunity for this woman to embarass me with her questions, I declare: THE COFFEE WILL BE HOT AND THE SOY MILK WILL BE COLD.
The woman on the other side of the counter morphs into a hag from hell. She gives me the kind of stare that makes dogs put their tails between their legs. She looks at me like I just called her a p*$$y&*nt.
I am at a loss for words here. Really, I'm just hoping that she'll ring me up and we can be done with it. She has other plans.
I really can't describe how frightening her tone was, but I'm sure if i dealt with a bunch of weird coffee drinking starbucks customers all day, I'd be about fed up with the public in general, not to mention little virgins who don't know what heyre ordering. She goes on to snidly eductae me that hey serve iced coffee as well, etc etc. I try to tell her that, of course, I am aware of iced coffe, and that's why i was so specific.